Primeval Season 4 Episode 1

Oh my god! Oh my god you guys! Primeval is bloody back!

Before I get started on my thoughts of the first episode (me, me, me its all about me) I feel there are a number of things that need to be said when it comes to Primeval, because every other bleeding person is saying them. So here goes the list of must haves in a review of the first episode of series four –

‘Primeval has been brought back from extinction LOL’

The cast has changed

They are now filming in Dublin.

Phew, now that is done lets move things along.

The first thing I demand of you is to watch the opening credits with a careful eye. The music is there, the cast names are there and so is that beautiful shattered glass effect. But instead of timing images of the cast with when there name appears on screen, LIKE EVERY NORMAL TV PROGRAMME, Primeval have decided to play fast and loose with tv convention and instead have you thinking that no human will be involved and this is a show of large pointy toothed lizards.

Come, lets look at the new cast –

Kooky McKookerson – She wears blue broaches in a kooky way and switches from being kooky and coy behind a computer screen to being kooky and rather determined when holding a gun. She is kooky.

Dublin Angry Man – He is from Dublin, that’s where they are filming the new series, I don’t know if you have heard that. He is butch – he doesn’t like the other butch army dude.

A mysterious old man – he is mysterious male and older than 60

Dr. Bashire – He is not playing a doctor – this man will not be typecast! Instead he has a beard and pisses off that man who is normally a comedian.

What about the returning old cast?


Hannah Spearitt – Stuck in the cretaceous period for a year although from what we saw lord knows how she survived. In the space of about five minutes the dozy cow managed to spill A WHOLE BOOK into an open fire, drop a bag that in the previous shot was over two shoulders (I’m suspecting some sort of dislocated shoulder problem), this then led to the theft of some tin foil that Hannah seemed very precious about. Then don’t get me started on how long it took her and Paul Potts to run through the anomaly.

Paul Potts – Pretty much as lame as Hannah but wins likeable points for being surprisingly hot when topless – me? Shallow? Noooooo.

That comedian man – This man should never ever be asked to do a voice over, unless you want that voice over being the most boring thing ever placed over a series of random images.

That soldier dude – How on earth has he still got a job? Apparently he let that one from Footballers Wives die in the missing year as well. But lets face it she had so little to do if they hadn’t mentioned her no one would have noticed her absence. He also has a bit of the ol gobble gobble going on. Maybe if he ate less pies he wouldn’t let so many people die.

That Policeman dude who inexplicably was placed in charge of the dino hunters – MIA

The Good –

Hannah and Paul Potts – more of them please

When Hannah distracts a dino by playing S Club 7, I thought the TV was going to explode with intertextual referencing. It also allowed me to make a joke about Tina looking like a dinosaur, it was HILARIOUS at the time.

Paul Potts topless

Kooky McKookerson – but then I am a sucker for Chloe Sullivan/Luna Lovegood/Alice Cullen  characters

The Bad –

The fact that they managed to fit not one, but two badly paced, slow dino chases into one episode.

Hannah was not reduced to her knickers.

The story. I need more than poor dino danders out of glittery wall of magic, gets scared (through no fault of its own) runs about the empty empty streets of ‘London’ (it’s actually Dublin now, did they fool you?) and either gets shot or sent back into the same magic glittery cloud. Like the wise Britney once said ‘Gimme more, gimme gimme more.’

Will I be tuning in next week?

Yes I will.

Will I hate myself a little for doing so?