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The Human Centipede

Well, there’s been an awful lot of hype/discussion around this film and as lifelong horror fans, myself and Blackett sat ourselves down (sans scaredycat other halves) to watch the full extent of the mouth-to-anus loveliness.

I would warn about spoilers, but if you’ve ever seen a horror film before, you’ll know what happens. ‘Hot’ american girls get a flat tyre in Germany whilst on their way to find a nightclub called Bunker. Why that nightclub would be in the middle of the woods, I don’t know, but that’s where they end up. Cue overly long scene where they discuss whether or not they should get out of the car and go for help; at this point just in case you haven’t been paying attention, the girls repeat each other’s names over and over.

“Should we get out of the car and go for help Lindsay?”

“No Jenny, we shouldn’t. It’s dark out there and I’m wearing hotpants.”

“Ok Lindsay, we’ll stay here in the car. You’re my best friend Lindsay. My name’s Jenny.”  etc etc

Eventually they end up at creepy German doctor’s house. Now if someone invited me into their home and their entire living room was full of paintings of siamese twin babies/ambiguous vagina shapes I think I’d probably take a rain-check on the glass of water they were offering. Especially as they’ve just popped a giant rohypnol pill into it in plain sight. Ah well never mind. Lindsay and Jenny drink it, wake up in a cellar where they end up getting turned into the centipede with Jenny at the back (Jenny tail) Lindsay in the middle and random Japanese man at the front. Not sure where he came from, but whatever.

Yes, it’s gross and the poo-eating is particularly nasty but once they’ve actually become the centipede, all the tension disppears from the film and we spent the rest of it shouting at the ridiculous characters.

Not once, not twice, but three times do they have a decent chance at escape but fuck it up every single time. If a crazy surgeon had sewed two thoroughly annoying girls to my arsehole when I got the opportunity to kill him, I think I’d probably do just that rather than stabbing him in the shin then nibbling on his neck. And here is where the biggest problem of all occurs. The spiral staircase.

During the entire film, we see the centipede in the cellar, upstairs in the kitchen, in the garden and on an operating table. How exactly did they get there? Is there a special centipede lift somewhere in the building? Perhaps a series of stepladders that they have to negotiate? But the scene with the spiral staircase is just ridiculous. In fact, it’s so stupid that it’s been cut really short so you just have to guess how they get up there. Hovering like a dalek is the option we went for.

Gah, this film made me cross. Nasty violence and gross-ness for the sake of it. Crap story. Crap acting. Don’t bother wasting your money on going to see this. I’d make a clever pun but this film has sucked all of the energy out of me.